The Ultimate Act of Selfishness
by gin and ironic
Summary: You're a liar if you tell me the Jedi don't love. AnakinxObiWan. Slash, obviously.


Title: The Ultimate Act of Selfishness  
Author: Gin  
Pairing: Obi-Wan/Anakin, Anakin/Padmé (background)  
Summary: "You're a liar if you tell me the Jedi don't love." Anakin/Obi-Wan.  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters created by George Lucas and make no profit from my use (and abuse!) of them.  
Warnings: Het, angst, AU.  
Author/Artist notes: There is a good amount of AU in this story, as Obi-Wan never found out about the marriage until RotS, about, and because of the marriage, there's obviously some het involved. Also, the bit about women's hair customs is completely out of nowhere, but it suited the plot and moment. I'm sure there's canon contradiction somewhere to dispute the assertion I make. Thank you to J. for the help and listening to me blather, and to N. for the beta. Usomitati requested _Pairings: Obi-Wan/Anakin, Anakin/Obi-Wan (grin), Obi-Wan and Luke (gen). Kinks/Scenarios: confusion of feelings, sluttiness, dom!Obi-Wan, and the existance of things besides sex/romance (like other friends, lovers, the jedi council, the war, family, etc)._ I tried to figure out a way to incorporate all of these things into the fic/plot, but I am sure I failed dismally. However, I hope she enjoys and finds it what she requested!

This is edited to meet rating requirements. I only deleted a few words and one lone paragraph, but in the event you want the unedited, it should be up on my site when the site itself goes live. Thanks.

---

It was something to understand that you did not, _could_ not, truly know a person. Obi-Wan was rarely blindsided -- he did not have very many acquaintances he viewed as knowing particularly well, and so when someone suddenly became something else, something uncharacteristic, he was never surprised. Dooku, for example. It was sickening, yes, to discover his treachery, and disheartening, yes, to realize what they were up against on top of a _war_, but not a shocking blow to Obi-Wan like it was for the Council.

Even the nature of those Obi-Wan worked closely with on missions, those he might even consider friends, were enigmas. Studying behavior and temperament was a clue, and the Force could give you something of a glimpse, but he had the benefit of both and still couldn't predict Adi Gallia's descent into madness, or Admiral Karath's turn from war hero to Sith. To use the Force in order to probe his fellow Jedi, to see what they might be capable of, was not something Obi-Wan considered ethical, however.

And what would a true Jedi have to hide?

---

As it turned out, a wife.

Obi-Wan was not a fool. He knew Anakin cared for Padmé, had known since first seeing them interact when both were only children. He was prepared to ignore Anakin's infatuation, and indeed did so throughout his Padawanship and the beginning of the Clone Wars, firmly doubting that Padmé would ever let the relationship progress beyond what was proper. He had assumed Padmé was first and foremost a politician, and that Anakin was first and foremost a Jedi. He was wrong.

It burned. Obi-Wan knew it was futile and harmful to linger in the shock and dismay, the sting of betrayal. He thought Anakin was a better person, a Jedi loyal to the code. He thought he knew Anakin and his idiosyncrasies; his troubling desire for victory at all costs, his fear and anger at the loss of his mother, his torrential powers and the possibility of danger they presented. And yet there was also his desire to please, his loyalty, his talent, his easy camaraderie, his accommodating nature, his resolution to become the best Jedi. The two sides pitted against each other didn't ever seem to make sense, but now, in one evening of discovery, they did.

He was _married_. Obi-Wan wondered for how long. He wasn't able to discern that much from the report, only that Anakin Skywalker married Padmé Naberrie in a ceremony with no personal witnesses. He wagered it was on Coruscant around when the Clone Wars began, just before they left for the Outer Rim. Anakin seemed to be in some sort of daze for the first few weeks of their assignment. And with good reason; he was a newlywed ripped away from his wife. It all made so much more sense now.

Obi-Wan found himself immobile and fighting dread on his meditation mat. The scant hours since the discovery found him displaced from the Living Force, casting him adrift in a sea of churning dread and indecision. He could not concentrate on the breathing exercises he'd known since coming to the Temple. He could not make himself do the right thing; head for the Council, confront Anakin and file a report of his discovery. And how could he? Anakin was... It was impossible to say what Anakin was in the best of times. Knowing what he did now, Obi-Wan couldn't begin to classify him.

---

He spent much of the next few days cloistered in the practice room, sparring against invisible partners or a practice orb. His muscles pulled and ached but it was a welcome distraction. Obi-Wan couldn't clear his mind to meditate, could hardly sleep, and the constant physical exertion turned off his thought-fevered mind as easily as Obi-Wan could turn off the dead man's switch on his lightsaber. He missed communal meals and often had trays brought to his chambers in the dead of night instead. However, there were no Council meetings called and no reports demanding his attention, and thus no reason for anyone to question his absence.

When the futility of his diversion became too obvious to ignore, Obi-Wan again tried meditation but found himself still buzzing with unease. Desperate for some sort of reprieve, he sought Master Yoda's guidance, ignoring a whisper in the back of his mind that said there was only one who could answer to Obi-Wan's anxiety, and Yoda was not him.

"Troubled, you have been," Yoda said, waving his cane to indicate where Obi-Wan should sit. "But unwilling to confront what it is that bothers you, also."

"Yes." There was no point in lying. The walls Obi-Wan constructed to hide the news of Anakin's deceit and his reaction to it were strong, but there were fissures in them; his behavior, for one. It was not like Obi-Wan to seek utter solitude. In the past he would have expected Anakin to come to him, concerned and irritated, demanding an explanation. But that time was past, and Obi-Wan wagered he was too busy with his _wife_ to even notice.

At such a thought of Anakin, Obi-Wan realized he was putting an added strain on his walls. He tried to dismiss the idea of what Anakin was doing instead of his duty, watching Yoda carefully for any signs that he'd caught on to his inner thoughts. He didn't seem to have, staring at Obi-Wan with thoughtful eyes and quirked ears.

Yoda lifted a thick finger and pointed it at Obi-Wan's chest. "Such pain, you feel. So much you cannot escape, it seems."

He hesitated then, unsure of how much he could give away by answering honestly. "Yes. I have not felt this way before."

"So sure, are you? And what of the pain for Qui-Gon's passing you felt, hmm?"

"That was -- different." But was it? Though Anakin had not died, the burning ache Obi-Wan experienced at having his trust and confidence in the young man ripped away felt startling familiar to the ache of knowing Obi-Wan would no longer stand next to his Master in battle. Would not stand next to him ever, not for anything.

"Universal pains, some are."

He discarded the words, knowing they did not help him. What he needed more than anything was the strength to make a decision, and he could not gather it listening to Yoda's philosophy on pain. "I am torn, Master Yoda. I find myself unable to come to a decision. I cannot decide what is… right."

Yoda's eyes crinkled with something that might have been a smile. "Never one who could not see the right way, you were, Obi-Wan. Always aware of it, you are."

"Perhaps," he hedged.

This was something that had nothing and everything to do with the Jedi Code. It was – if not easy, then uncomplicated – to look into the eyes of a fallen comrade and know what had to be done. But Anakin was never simplistic, and so much of what Obi-Wan associated with Anakin was separate from simply being Master and Apprentice. It was in a realm he did not entirely even understand.

He understood, though, that Anakin's marriage went beyond a betrayal of the Jedi Code. He understood Anakin would be expelled if the marriage became known. And he further understood what a dangerous and many-pointed blade that kind of act by the Council would be. Padmé would be hunted down, Anakin would be without the guidance of the Jedi. He was a weapon, his power such an immense liability Obi-Wan couldn't even begin to comprehend. If he came forward, the situation was deadly. If he came forward, he destroyed more than Anakin's standing within the Jedi Order.

_'Oh, Anakin. What have you done?_

"And perhaps your choice to make it is not?" Yoda said. It was not a statement, not one of his wise insights into the workings of Obi-Wan's mind or nature. Not even suggestions for Obi-Wan to let it all go into the Force. He couldn't help but feel slightly cheated and even more frustrated than before.

"No, Master. I'm afraid no one can make the choice but me."

Yoda seemed aware of how he could not help. It was his own fault, Obi-Wan knew; without confessing what he knew, Yoda could offer no more help than a droid. "And choose well you will, if in the Force and in yourself you trust."

"Thank you, Master," Obi-Wan said quietly, standing up from his chair and drawing his robes in to wrap around himself. He felt oddly cold.

---

He considered himself lucky when he finally found the wherewithal to cease his pattern of isolation in order to attend a strategy meeting, and found to his relief that Anakin was not there. Obi-Wan did not believe his luck would hold out for long, and doubted it beneficial if it somehow did. The situation with Anakin needed to be addressed. He could hardly live with himself until it was.

Allowing himself that day at least to put off the inevitable, Obi-Wan ate in the main dining room at all meal times. He even agreed to consult and listen in on more meetings he wouldn't normally concern himself with during the remainder of his stay on Coruscant.

And so he was stuck in much the same situation as before, only this time forced to bear the presence of others. It was not as bad as he'd feared it would be; the routine and rhythm of the Temple was a distraction in and of itself, thankfully giving Obi-Wan some time of respite from his nagging thoughts. A few times he was left in isolation or without a task, and in those moments he considered visiting Padmé's apartment to talk to her. She, at least, would be more reasonable and less prone to fits of indignation and temper. But he knew Anakin was likely there, and he was not willing to face the two of them at once. Not yet.

When the day was over, Obi-Wan had a bone-deep exhaustion to show for it. There was no way his restless thoughts could keep him awake that night. He slipped into his bed after a sonic shower and, gratefully, sank into a deep sleep for the first time in days.

---

"Obi-Wan!"

It was telling that Anakin's sudden shout was a huge shock to Obi-Wan; he'd let his walls become virtually impenetrable, even to the point where he couldn't sense the other man. He still couldn't afford to let them slip, though, and turned to face Anakin slowly, hardly daring to breathe.

Anakin was smiling broadly, and his stride was easy as he caught up with Obi-Wan in the hallway. His face was tanner than Obi-Wan recalled it being a week ago. His hair looked like it had been cut, although it still curled defiantly around his ears. Obi-Wan looked at him square on for as long as he dared before casting his gaze to just above Anakin's broad left shoulder.

"I haven't seen you all week." Anakin's tone sounded almost accusatory, but Obi-Wan knew he was still smiling. "I assume you've been busy around here."

"Yes," he agreed stiffly.

"I don't know how you do it. We finally get a break from the war and you hole yourself up in the Temple. I've been all over Coruscant since we arrived and the Chancellor--"

"Have you? That's nice to hear. I'm very sorry, Anakin, but I'm needed elsewhere." He nearly suggested they should talk later, but he was afraid his voice would crack and he'd end up screaming for wont of something better to do. Obi-Wan did not scream.

"Sure," Anakin said carefully, stepping back as if there was something about Obi-Wan he needed to study. "All right."

He left quickly without looking back.

---

It was not, as he had assumed, easier to see Padmé than Anakin. It was nearly the same; the same secret suffocating him, the same indecision and regret and shame for the people he thought he knew. With Padmé, he looked at her and saw not an abstractly beautiful, forthright politican as he did before, but a wife, soft and fallible and with her hair in a woman's coif. Custom dictated that an unwed female of supposed good breeding wore her hair up or bound at all times. Padmé's statement was subtle – even acceptable – but there the same: half down and half up in an elaborate twist. Obi-Wan stared at the curls trailing down her back and found that eventually he could not continue to look at her.

"It feels as though we haven't spoken in years," she said warmly, after offering him tea and seating him in the plushest chair in her apartment. He felt even more unnerved by her gentleness, her easy camaraderie. Usually he found himself at ease and contented by her company, but knowing what he did now gave her an undercurrent of deceit he couldn't reconcile.

"I am glad to be away from the fighting for a time," was all he said.

"I too am glad you are out of harm's way," she said, leaning forward to refill her cup with a flutter of sleeves and shawl. The scent of berries filled the space between them. "I wish we didn't have to risk you, risk any of the Jedi. You aren't clones or droids or anything _dispensable_." The way she bitterly said the word reaffirmed for Obi-Wan what he already knew; she objected to the careless way Palpatine and in part the Jedi Order dispatched troops. It was so like Padmé to take on the plight of the nameless clones.

"I'm afraid there is no help for it, not until the war ends or the Chancellor finds some other way to keep the Outer Rim within the Republic's grasp."

A frown tipped the edges of Padmé's mouth. She said nothing for a moment, leaning back in her chair with a cup of steaming tea cradled in her hands. She took a sip and seemed to look through Obi-Wan. He still avoided the line of her eyes in case she noticed something off about his posture or how he tried not to look at her. Though she was no Jedi, nor particularly Force-sensitive, Padmé had a politician's observation and a woman's intuition. "The Chancellor sees no way to end the war other than to decimate the Separatists and their leaders."

Obi-Wan inclined his head in agreement.

"Sometimes I am sure he is right, that the only way we can buy peace is with blood. And yet all of my years on Naboo and here on Coruscant have told me that there is always another option, another trick to employ." She set down her cup and stared at him levelly. He dared not flinch from such directness. "Anakin told me the Jedi always seek to see another course, if only so they know what might befall them. What do you think?"

Blunt, as always. He used to consider her foolish for such loose talk in his and Anakin's company, but he learned a year or so ago that there was great thought behind it. Obi-Wan whetted his lips before speaking, not particularly sure if he wanted to struggle with words for her. But he had come to her apartment, not dismissed her invitation or put it off. He obviously wanted to see her, to speak to her, even if he couldn't address her marriage to Anakin.

"I think that we have reached the point of no return. If, by some will of the Force, we managed to capture a few Separatist leaders – _capture_, not kill – we might then have a chance at negotiating peace. But I do not have the power to arrange for the capture of Grievous or Dooku, and I may be wrong completely; they may not have any margin for negotiation at all, and I am just a fool." The words were a tad strange, yet more behavior that was out of place for Obi-Wan, and they hung in silence while Padmé regarded him.

After a few more long moments, she spoke. "I think you are entirely right. Or at least that we have the same viewpoint." She shook her head. "The Senate acts as though the word 'parley' is high treason. I don't understand the attitude, but…" She sighed, apparently out of things to say on the matter.

"Yes." He had nothing else to say, either.

She sensed it; that much was clear. She graced him with another one of her soft smiles and said he should stop by more often. He nodded and tried to leave with as much of his old faith in her as he could.

---

Stupid of him to purposefully avoid Anakin over the next few days. Especially when he made it so obvious. Anakin cornered him after a Council meeting, looking put out and worried, and Obi-Wan tried to hide both his utter exhaustion and his dread at speaking to him.

"What's wrong, Obi-Wan?" Rarely did Anakin's voice sound so low, so filled with worry. In another time, a time before Obi-Wan's discovery, he would have been touched that his former Padawan should worry over him like a mother Tuskcat.

"Nothing, of course." He started walking, unsure of his destination, but knowing he did not want to be stuck in what was sure to be a strained conversation with Anakin just outside the Council doors.

"You can't lie to me!" Anakin exclaimed, his cybernetic hand lashing out to grip onto Obi-Wan forearm. The force of Anakin's pull nearly turned Obi-Wan around, and he had to make a concerted effort not to let the momentum slam him against Anakin's side. Unavoidable now, Anakin's eyes were narrowed and seemed to glow with anger. "Something is wrong and you're keeping it yourself, as usual."

"There is nothing wrong, Anakin." He pried his arm from Anakin as gently as he could manage, but still felt it smarting from the inhumanly strong grip.

Anakin crossed his arms over his chest and refused to let Obi-Wan keep walking. "I've _never_ seen you like this. Never. Not even when I cross you or the clones say something you really don't want to hear." He stopped, breathing noticeably strained. When Obi-Wan said nothing, he exploded with, "You won't even look at me!"

Obi-Wan jerked his chin up, realizing he'd let himself slip into his own protective thoughts again. He wasn't doing a good job of hiding his feelings, he knew, and tried to make up for it by meeting Anakin's gaze directly, unflinchingly.

Whatever Anakin found there he did not seem to expect. He stepped back, startled, and dropped his hands to his sides. Obi-Wan brushed past him, taking care not to move too quickly, and headed for the practice rooms.

---

"Anakin, sit down; you're wearing a hole in the carpet."

The teasing in Padmé's voice was what brought Anakin back to himself, not the actual words. He looked over at her as she sat watching him on the couch, having silently endured him pacing and muttering obscenities for the last quarter hour. A look that was both bemused and understanding held him in place, and he stared back at her, feeling a rush of intense admiration for the sort of woman she was.

It wasn't just that she was his wife, that she put up with all that came with being married to him -- put up with him. It was that she was kind and understanding to everyone, and when she loved… He felt like someone different in her eyes, someone special, like he had with his mother. Maybe it was knowing he was loved. Anakin didn't know the answer and found he didn't really need it, either.

"Something's wrong with Obi-Wan, but he won't tell me what." He guessed she'd already put this together from his mutterings, but he was still trying to explain Obi-Wan's strange behavior to himself, and repeating it couldn't hurt. "He can't stand to be the in the same room with me. He wouldn't look me in the eye, and when I finally got him to, it was like… It was like I didn't know him at all. He acted… I don't know."

Padmé considered this. "You remember I told you he came by a few days ago?" she asked. He nodded. "Well, I noticed… I don't know what I noticed, actually. It wasn't any one thing that stood out. But I agree there's something strange about him."

They both were silent. Anakin found no answers in her face and turned around to look out the window, staring at speeders going by until they became a colorful blur.

"Anakin," she tried, and suddenly he found that she was standing right beside him and he'd not even noticed. "Anakin, why don't you put this aside for tomorrow? There's nothing you can do right now." She put her hand on his arm, his real one, and looked up at him beseechingly. It reminded him of his confrontation with Obi-Wan and he pulled away from her instinctively.

"I can't." He looked down at her, trying to find the words to explain. "He… I can't. I'm sorry, Padmé."

She watched him head for the door, which she seemed to do a lot of. "Where are you going?"

"For a drink."

---

Some hours later, Obi-Wan sat in his chambers studying a datapad. Freshly showered and wearing sleep clothes, he tried to tell himself to relax, to focus on what he had to report on the next day. Little things seemed to continually distract him, which was something he'd never experienced before. His right wrist was sore from too many hours spent perfecting jabs, and every time he moved that hand, pain spiked and made him forget where he was in his reading. His back protested from so many hours of abuse, though that wasn't new, but for the first time he couldn't ignore it.

He was nearly resigned to another sleepless or fitful night when there was a loud banging on his door. At one he knew it was Anakin; only he would be so infuriated by Obi-Wan's changing of the passcode. It took him a moment to decide whether or not to answer the door, and while he waited, Anakin's banging got even louder. He was surprised Anakin didn't just use the Force to open it, but it was possible he was so angry he'd forgotten he could.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Oh, so you _are_ home," Anakin said snidely, forcing his way into Obi-Wan's chambers. It was easier just to let him, to let him stomp around and throw a tantrum and have it over with.

Obvious by now what Obi-Wan was going to do, after all. He'd thought better of himself, truly. It was almost as big a disappointment to learn he wasn't the same Jedi he'd assumed as it was to learn the same of Anakin. Almost. The blow seemed lesser after the shock of learning about the marriage.

Obvious now that he wasn't going to the Council. He told himself repeatedly it was too dangerous. Dangerous enough that more than just Padmé and Anakin knew, now. Obi-Wan wasn't about to tempt fate – he didn't want to know what it would hold in store for Anakin if he did not have the Order at his back. If he didn't have Obi-Wan.

Only one question remained. Did he confront Anakin with his information? Did he seek an explanation or an apology or indignation, whatever it was Anakin would offer him? For now, he decided to let fate take whatever course it wanted to with that particular matter.

He eventually joined Anakin in the sparse sitting room. Anakin was pacing, and when he saw Obi-Wan, he cast an accusatory glare. His eyes were suspiciously unfocused.

"You're drunk."

"Yes," Anakin agreed fiercely, as if challenging him to find fault.

"You should come back in the morning." _'Or never.'_

"No. I want…" Anakin spread his arms wide in a frustrated gesture. "I want answers."

Obi-Wan sighed and rubbed his temples. Had Anakin always been so wearyingly and annoyingly stubborn? "Sit down, Anakin."

He did, surprisingly. But he glowered as if Obi-Wan was the one who was secretly married and Anakin had just found out. _'Or maybe,'_ Obi-Wan wryly said to himself, _'he's just drunk.'_

"You practically ran away from me today, and you've been avoiding me since we came back to the Temple. You treat me like I'm a stranger. _Less_ than a stranger. And I want to know what is going _on_."

"Nothing, Anakin. How many times must I tell you?"

"I don't believe you. You act like… like… I've wronged you." He sounded so outraged, so offended by the very idea.

Obi-Wan snapped. It was a gradual thing, taking place over probably a minute, and he wished desperately to stop it but couldn't. Anakin kept talking and the words rushed over Obi-Wan with no real meaning. He could only stare at the whining youth on his sofa and feel as though someone had stabbed him in the heart.

"I _know_, Anakin." It came out louder than he'd guessed it could. Loud enough to completely silence Anakin, anyway. "I know."

"You know what?" Anakin asked, but clearly he had an idea. He might have been drunk but he was not stupid. The caution, the utter horror building in his eyes… Obi-Wan couldn't bear it, and it disturbed him that he could not.

"I know about Padmé." He had to force himself to clarify. "About your marriage." He expected a denial but didn't get one. Another surprise. All he got was silence. "How could you, Anakin?" The words broke from him in a gasp, and he found that he was far too close to tears.

"Obi-Wan…" It was possible that Anakin was near tears as well, from the sound of his voice.

"Don't." He did not want excuses or reasons, he realized; they didn't matter.

"I love her, Obi-Wan."

"You are a Jedi, Anakin," he said slowly, trying not to choke on every word. "You are not allowed that kind of love."

This made Anakin angry. He could feel it building in the room like steam trapped in a small space. "You're a liar if you tell me the Jedi don't love."

Obi-Wan paused. "You don't need for me to tell you what I've been trying to for nearly all of your life." He was all but whispering now. "I see too late that it does no good."

"What about Qui-Gon?" Anakin pressed, his voice rising to a near shout. "You told me yourself you loved him. You can't deny it. You can't."

"Yes, I did tell you that. I loved him as part of the Force, I admired him as my mentor, and I mourned his passing. I did not love him selfishly."

"_Selfishly_?" Anakin shouted now. Waves of his anger battered against what remained of Obi-Wan's walls and started to tear them down. It took every last ounce of strength Obi-Wan had to try and keep himself from falling down under the onslaught.

"Marrying her was the ultimate act of selfishness, Anakin. In doing so, you not only undermined the Jedi code, but you placed Padmé in incredible danger." Anakin started to interrupt, but Obi-Wan had none of it. "If one of the Republic's many enemies should find out about your marriage, they would go after _her_ in order to get to _you_."

"She's a Senator!" he yelled. "She's already in danger, and now I can protect her as a Jedi and as her husband."

"There's no excuse and no reasoning, Anakin." He was so, so tired. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to put things right, too, but there was nothing left of that now. He did the only thing he could in that moment; he kept talking. "You have acted selfishly and recklessly, putting Padmé in danger and flagrantly disregarding the Jedi way." He rubbed his temples again and tried to keep his voice at an audible level, as it was close to breaking again. "Your duties are not to protect a wife, but to protect the whole of the Republic." He found that, as Anakin hotly tried interjecting over every word, his voice had begun to rise. Obi-Wan stayed with his back to Anakin so he would not have to see the blind indignation on Anakin's face, finally taking seat to take some of the strain off of his overtaxed body.

"I can do _both_. Being married to Padmé doesn't mean I'm disloyal to the Republic."

"But it does. It means exactly that. You will always think of Padmé first and not the Republic."

There was a heavy pause from Anakin's end. "Is that what this is about?" he asked, voice deadly.

"Don't be stupid, Anakin."

"That's what this is about," he insisted. "You resent her. You resent the place she has in my life."

And he found, to his great surprise, he could not reject the notion. In the aftermath of discovering Anakin's secret, Obi-Wan had learned far too much about himself. And it was all so obvious in the way he had reacted, the nights he would lie awake shaking at the mental image of Anakin in his marriage bed, the way betrayal looped inside of his head. He could not go to the Council, he could not face Anakin, and now, finally… he could not deny the truth.

"Yes," he said, and for a brief moment, it was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

"You – you." At the sound of Anakin's voice, the reality of his admission came crashing down. He waited for the explosion. "You don't want me to be happy. You want me to be alone, loveless. The Perfect Jedi," Anakin spat. "Just like you."

The words stung. It was somewhat reassuring to know how deeply Anakin had misunderstood him, but at the same time this new vein had him perilously close to losing control again. He worked up the courage to speak, his throat tight with the effort of not breaking down, not crying. "I am not loveless," he rasped. "Or I would not feel what I do for you."

Anakin drew back as if Obi-Wan had thrown cold water on him. "What?"

There was no dignity left in him. What bare threads that had remained of the friendship and trust between the two of them, Obi-Wan knew, had just been shattered. "I think… I think perhaps you should leave now." His voice was still shaking; he couldn't control it. His hands were, too.

"No."

"Anakin." His voice died on a whine. He could not even say the next word, _'please'_.

"No."

He swallowed several times to try and regain his voice, then took a deep, painful breath. "You are drunk. Let's discuss this tomorrow when we are more rational."

"I don't want to be _rational_," Anakin said, tone and expression inscrutable. "I don't like it."

If Anakin would not leave, then Obi-Wan would not stay. He turned and made to go for his bedchamber, but Anakin's voice stopped him in his tracks. "Obi-Wan." He waited until it was clear Obi-Wan was not going anywhere. "Do you love me?"

He did not speak. He was confused as to who owed who an explanation. Though in the end, it probably did not matter.

"Obi-Wan?" The first trace of something in Anakin's voice. Unclear what it was, exactly.

"I cannot possibly answer that."

"Look at me." It was a demand. It was angry.

Obi-Wan turned and had a last, desperate hope that Anakin would not remember any of this in the morning.

---

Anakin proved to be hesitant, soft kisser. His non-cybernetic hand was rough against Obi-Wan's skin, and he did not – in what Obi-Wan saw as an act of irony – meet his eyes after they found themselves in a furious embrace, to where they were now in Obi-Wan's bedchamber. Anakin's mouth was not as shy when he first began to kiss, but it seemed that when he realized what he was doing, he froze.

It was one thing to love, and one thing to want, but to get what you think you desire is another matter entirely. Obi-Wan found himself stroking Anakin's back as he would a startled creature, trying to calm him, trying to tell him without words what to do. There were things he couldn't mention for fear of scaring him off even more, things that were no doubt torturing Anakin. The Council, the code, the war. Padmé.

Best not to talk at all. Best not even to think, not to hesitate.

He didn't hesitate. He grabbed Anakin by the back of his robes and hauled him over to the bed. Anakin's startled gasp at being tossed onto the mattress hardened Obi-Wan instantly, and Anakin's subsequent noises at the way Obi-Wan bit his neck and loosened his robes sent desire spiraling through every cell.

It was clear Anakin had never been with a man before, and even clearer had never had sex when he was not the superior. And how would he have? There weren't many in the galaxy Anakin would consider bowing to.

Obi-Wan knew he was in the best position to take charge as he had knowledge of sexual relations with men and an even better grasp of the anatomy involved. Slowly, inch by inch and moment by moment, he drew control from Anakin as one would a cherished toy from a small child. He replaced it with long kisses and gentle prompts, once taking Anakin's human hand in his own and placing it at the waistband of his sleep trousers.

Perhaps he should have been more careful. He nearly stopped altogether upon seeing the look of distress on Anakin's face, but the bracing determination there also told him better than to try. Something cold and hard smacked down heavily on his back, and he nearly jumped out of his skin before he realized it was Anakin's artificial hand. He berated himself for moving too quickly and not preparing Anakin enough, but Anakin seemed almost impatient under him, growing restless under his attempts to soothe and guide. So he flipped Anakin onto his stomach and using his fingers until he got short little moans and a few thrashes out of him.

"I'm… I'm -- _ow_," was the only thing Anakin said when Obi-Wan pushed inside of him.

And then later, a few more noises, and when Anakin came, he whispered 'Obi-Wan' so quietly Obi-Wan wasn't entirely certain it was said at all.

---

END.


End file.
